When I received the official news that I was pregnant (2 pink lines!) I immediately decided that I wanted to go ‘au natural’ for the birthing process. I even flirted with the notion of hauling a birthing tub into our cramped apartment and giving birth underwater like a whale.
My physician husband wouldn’t hear of it. He wisely pointed out that if, heaven forbid, there were an emergency, what would we do. Call Seymour, the carpenter from down the hall, to come in and lend a helping hand? We needed to be in a hospital, end of story.
OK. I agreed to not birth in the bedroom, but what about taking a birthing class? Lamaze, The Bradley Method..there was so much to choose from. Yet, nothing seemed exactly right. Then I stumbled upon a method that did sound right up my alley. Hypnobirthing. You learn how to hypnotize yourself into a state of otherworldliness where you think about colors and meadows and the dawn’s early light. And then supposedly you don’t feel any pain. Voila, now this was the method for me.
So, armed with a thesis on why this was the only way to go, I asked my husband if he’d take a hypnobirthing course with me. He agreed without missing a beat. I was shocked. There was no argument, no resistance, not even a chuckle. Men.
So, on the first day of class, I knew I’d made the right choice. Melissa Joan Hart, (aka Sabrina the Teenage Witch) was in attendance. Ready and willing to hypnobirth her son into the world, too. Sometimes the stars are just right in alignment.
And accordingly, I was in heaven. Closing your eyes, and counting, and thinking about strawberry fields forever is really easy…WHEN YOU’RE NOT IN PAIN! I completed the four week course successfully by breathing slowly and writing out an exhaustive birthing plan, instructing nurses, doctors and anyone else in the labor and delivery room to not give me any drugs under any circumstance while I was taking up residence there.
And then I had my first labor pain. How the hell are you supposed to breath, count or do any other such ridiculous thing when someone is hammering inside your womb so hard you feel like you’re going to implode! Needless to say, after eight hours of this nonsense, I told my husband to high-tail it to UCLA. Upon entering the L&D suite, I handed the admitting nurse my birthing plan and told her to shove it, I mean, shred it, and then I ordered the doctors to give me an epidural...STAT!
It was the smartest thing I ever did. The epidural allowed me to relax, enjoy the process of giving birth to my son, and not curse my husband out, even once, throughout the entire process.
After all was said and done, I asked my husband why he so readily agreed to this hypnobirthing crap, I mean class. He said, “Oh, I was just humoring you.” Men.
Oh, and by the way, Melissa actually did hypnobirth her son into the city of Los Angeles. What can I say? She’s a better witch than I.